As I was driving to the doctor’s office today in an attempt to cure this gnarly death sentence of an illness I have recently stumbled across, the idea for this blog hit me. This happened thanks to my constant need for a change in music. I had already listened to my Rocky Votolato CD for fifteen minutes or so when the A.D.D kicked in. I took it out in order to shove Stacy Clark in. But then I realized, Stacy Clark was not where I left it! This unfortunate incident left me wide open to listen to the radio for a matter of moments. To make matters worse, Oasis’s “Champagne Supernova” happened to be playing the line, “Slowly walking down the hall/Faster than a cannonball/Where were you when we were getting high?” What the hell does that mean? How slowly are you walking, if a cannonball is out traveling you? If x is the speed of the cannonball, and y is the speed of the person walking down the hall, does that mean that y>x? And, with that my day was ruined. That’s all it took to make me wonder what the hell people are thinking while they’re jotting down lyrics. And being the obsessive compulsive ass that I am, I had to look into it. So I present you with some of the worst lyrics of all time (and myself making fun of them).
“If I was a Sculptor, but then again, no.” – Elton John, “Your Song”
So my question here is, did life-long Elton John writer Bernie Taupin just not have an eraser? seriously. But then again no? I mean, if I’m making a shopping list and I decide that I don’t want bananas after I have scribbled them down, I don’t just shove but then again no after it. I mean, can anyone else picture Taupin sitting at his desk composing this song only to come to this line, and say “If I was a sculptor, shit! Why the hell did I write that? I hate that, but it’s on paper. It’s there. But I don’t want it to be. How would one fix this? OH! I’ll just add ‘but then again no.’ For the next thirty years I’ll just have Elton explain that I changed my mind! It’s brilliant!”
“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so that you don’t confuse them with mountains.” – Shakira, “Whatever, Whenever”
Since Shakira is sometimes difficult to understand I didn’t really get this memo until it was too late. Now I’m knee deep in phone calls trying to cancel my summer vacation to Shakira’s boobs. It was going to be quite an amazing trip really. I was planning on using her “lady lumps” (thank you, Fergie) to ski and snowboard. I figured I would camp somewhere near her bellybutton area, where the weather is a bit warmer. You know, light jacket temperatures. But none of that matters now, does it! Ugh.
“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!” – 50 Cent, “21 questions”
Do all fat kids love cake? What if the fat kid simply had a glandular problem? Or was retaining water? And, I’m going to go ahead and point out as a skinny kid that I love cake, too! Does this mean that I love cake as much as you love her? Or do fat kids love cake more than I do? And what about Oreos? Can you love someone as much as fat kids love Oreos, or is it too early in the relationship for that? Isn’t the one year mark called the cookie anniversary? So many questions!
“Leaving was never my proud.” – REM, “Leaving New York”
Verb - any member of a class of words that are formally distinguished in many languages, as in English by taking the past ending in -ed, that function as the main elements of predicates, that typically express action, state, or a relation between two things, and that (when inflected) may be inflected for tense, aspect, voice, mood, and to show agreement with their subject or object.
It would also seem that English was never your proud, Mr. Stipe.
“Young black and famous, with money hanging out of my anus.” – Puff Daddy/Puffy/P. Diddy/Diddy, “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down”
Um… buy a wallet?
“There were plants and birds and rocks and things.” - America, “A Horse with No Name”
I think it’s only fair to assume that a third grader wrote this song. It was an assignment for class really. The teacher one day simply said, “Class, look out the window in the corner of the classroom, and write down what you see. Later today, you will read your writings to the class.” When it came little Dan Peek’s turn to read, he stood up and stated, “Outside, plants and birds and rocks and things. Also I saw a dog poop.” The poop part was left out because it’s simply not radio friendly. The rest, however, is history.
“Your butt is mine.” – Michael Jackson, “Bad”
Please feel free to insert your very own Michael Jackson likes little boys joke here. In hindsight, this line might not have been the best choice. It almost as funny as Amy Winehouse claiming she doesn’t need rehab. And how did people not know Queen’s lead singer was gay? Tight yoga pants, rock operas and stage dramatic show, and for fuck sake, a group of make-up wearing boys called QUEEN! To me there is nothing better than art mimicking life.
Pay attention to the signs people! And shut your radio off.
